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SEAPRO
Master Fisherman
219 Posts |
 Posted - 07/23/2008 : 13:59:31
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Last weekend I saw something at Fin, Feather & Fur that sparked my interest. The occasion was my wifes birthday and I was looking for a little something extra for her. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
home.
I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing!
I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to my wife what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Fluffy looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Fluffy(for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5 " long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
best...? I'm sitting there alone, Fluffy looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipship,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . .
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION .. . . WHAT THE HELL!!!
I'm pretty sure BigKev ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging
to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?
SON-OF-A-GUN, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I pooped myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!
P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'
  
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Will NOT fish for food !! |
Edited by - SEAPRO on 07/23/2008 14:03:30 |
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wake-n-walleye
Master Fisherman
208 Posts |
Posted - 07/23/2008 : 14:46:06
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| LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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Rednek
Hi-Tek Rednek
USA
815 Posts |
Posted - 07/23/2008 : 15:59:15
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Kevin, aka being stupid,
I needed that laugh.
TommyLund...You go fishing with this guy? Better watch out! |
Rednek
In search of that which was lost |
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Stoshu
Moderator
USA
441 Posts |
Posted - 07/23/2008 : 16:56:33
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OMG ! ! ! ! ! Almost wet my pants I was laughing so hard ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Thanks Seapro ! ! ! I needed that laugh ! ! ! ! Hope you found your two little frends..... |
Do they make a Kielbasa colored Reef Runner??? Husky Jerk???? |
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Tommy-Lund
Superior Fisherman
USA
122 Posts |
Posted - 07/23/2008 : 17:25:21
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Holy crap, was there a fishing report in there somewhere?
I was wondering why you kept twitching while we were fishing Saturday, thought you were trying to give the bait some extra action, must have been residual effects. |
We're gonna need a bigger boat - Chief Brody |
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Rocky
Expert Fisherman
USA
92 Posts |
Posted - 07/23/2008 : 18:06:05
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| OMG, I'M IN TEARS!!! FLH!! |
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Dancin Bear
Expert Fisherman
80 Posts |
Posted - 07/23/2008 : 18:51:05
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| Now that is darn funny. You sir are one crazy SOB. |
Dont tell me about the waves, Bring in the darn ship |
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DOUBLE EAGLE
Professional Fisherman
USA
1030 Posts |
Posted - 07/23/2008 : 20:38:41
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| LMAO !!! Where is the vidio!!!!!!!!! |
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preacherman
Superior Fisherman
USA
170 Posts |
Posted - 07/23/2008 : 22:51:43
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| mr. pro i am sorry, but that little bit of common sense you talked of having must have been a very small package to begin with. if you get the urge again, warn my sister so she can come next door and revive. i guess it was one of those 'it seemed like a good idea at the time' things we have all done. at least yours didn't lead to an arrest or permanent damage, as long as you can find your missing testicles. did you check under the couch. |
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Bischoff66
Master Fisherman
220 Posts |
Posted - 07/23/2008 : 23:52:59
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| I am crying like a little a baby laughing so hard thanks for the warning. |
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BUCKEYEBUM
Fisherman
USA
6 Posts |
Posted - 07/24/2008 : 00:24:47
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| Wow is that funny. As for your lost stones, look in your wifes car hanging from the rear view mirror. That's where my wife keeps mine. |
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bigmtman
Professional Fisherman
USA
1197 Posts |
Posted - 07/24/2008 : 02:42:28
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Seapro that's about the hardest I have laughed in years.It's around 3a.m. and I have waken up every one in the house(my wife looks scary).Hope you find your two buddies and you best stay away from F.F. and Fur-well maybe your wife should just make you stay inside for your own good
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Thanks Mark Butler - ( Let Christ be your light house ) |
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DOUBLE EAGLE
Professional Fisherman
USA
1030 Posts |
Posted - 07/24/2008 : 05:06:18
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| The next time you want to go to FFF let me know, I live ten minutes away and I will be your common sense. I think I would rather been shot with a gun!!! |
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dan lubinski
Expert Fisherman
60 Posts |
Posted - 07/24/2008 : 08:56:12
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| hey check the cat! |
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jafjr
Fisherman
USA
3 Posts |
Posted - 07/24/2008 : 10:01:47
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That is one of the funniest things I've ever read! Still laughing so hard I have tears in my eyes. I've always wanted to try one of those too, but not now! Thanks for the heads up on that one. Doesn't sound like a good weapon to give to the wife though!
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I'd rather be Fishing! |
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spinningwheel
Expert Fisherman
USA
79 Posts |
Posted - 07/24/2008 : 16:11:31
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Truly a classic. Hope when you find them they can be reattached w/o much fuss.
LMAO |
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BigKev
Moderator
USA
1487 Posts |
Posted - 07/24/2008 : 21:15:37
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| WOW! |
Go Bucks!!! |
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SEAPRO
Master Fisherman
219 Posts |
Posted - 07/25/2008 : 12:30:01
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Alright, I have to come clean here. This did not really happen to me! It was a story I read and personalized in order to make it a bit more interesting.
I imagine some of you knew that but for those of you who didn't, I don't want you thinking I'm a liar, when you read it somewhere else.
Just wanted to share a funny story with you that I came across!
Made me laugh! Thought it might make you guys too! |
Will NOT fish for food !! |
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bigmtman
Professional Fisherman
USA
1197 Posts |
Posted - 07/25/2008 : 12:52:17
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It did and it was GREAT.I printed it off and took it to work,some guys seen it before but every one got a great kick out of it |
Thanks Mark Butler - ( Let Christ be your light house ) |
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preacherman
Superior Fisherman
USA
170 Posts |
Posted - 07/25/2008 : 22:40:08
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| mr. pro, you know what's funny, we all believed you would actually do that. don't now if that says something about you or us |
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